By Andrew Reiner
During a speaking tour of six boys’ schools in New Zealand last summer I also facilitated workshops for boys in middle and high school. These workshops were a gamble. Everything depended on whether or not the boys would be willing to write on plastic white masks, or on pieces of paper, words they rarely, if ever, uttered aloud. Most boys everywhere know these words should never see light of day.
On the front of the masks I asked boys to write words that described the “face” they showed the world. I expected to see the commonly evoked adjectives they shared: “upbeat,” “happy,” “confident,” “funny,” “sporty,” “got it together.”
On the back side I asked them to write words which described the parts of themselves they didn’t feel safe showing the world. This, of course, was the thorny part. Yet the boys didn’t hold back. These were the most common responses: “lonely,” “sad,” “lost,” “confused,” “scared,” “angry.”
Why does this matter for us in schools? Because boys’ feelings of increasing disconnect (and disaffection) undermine their deeper resiliency and, in turn, their ability to thrive in school—and outside of it. This is a crisis more schools need to be aware of.
Increased Disengagement
A 2022 UNESCO report found that, globally, boys are “at greater risk” of falling behind in school or dropping out. This was best summed up by a Childhood Education International (CEI) spokesperson in a Newsweek article who observed that, over the past few years, efforts have increased to provide girls with the resources and access to education that they have long needed and deserved. On the other hand, what has “inadvertently fallen from public view,” he said, is “boys’ disengagement from education.”
The operative word here: disengaged.
Beneath their shrugging nonchalance, indifference, or bravado they are struggling. Many of us know that boys are more likely to engage in behaviors that lead to disciplinary actions, that they are less likely than girls to complete assignments, and that their lower GPAs and literacy levels follow them into college.
What we may not know are the Whys.
For starters, many boys are bored. Given how digital gaming and social media have the capacity to decrease attention spans, that’s no surprise. But research is showing that boredom can lead to risky behaviors, sensation seeking, and depression, especially in boys, whose brains don’t fully develop until age 30.
For a number of boys, education is a disconfirmation of their burgeoning masculine identity. Girding this identity is the belief that wealth—the brand their influencer heroes enjoy—has little to do with formal education. Social media has taught them that any form of success should “look” easy. This is why so many boys and young men dismiss female classmates who seek help, take part in class discussions, and study often as “Try Hards.”
Perhaps the most overlooked blow to boys’ and young men’s resiliency ultimately boils down to struggles with anxiety and, especially, depression. Healthcare practitioners often mis- and under-diagnose depression in males because many practitioners have gendered biases or they simply look for symptoms that are more common to females. The growing incidences of body dysmorphia in young males also compromise their mental health, as does the chronic stress epidemic in younger generations. These corrosive factors fuel the sobering statistic that boys are four times more likely than female peers to take their own lives.
Building Connections
As daunting as all of this may seem, there are small, simple steps we can take in classrooms that can help boys feel reconnected and, in turn, more resilient.
Try working student-led questioning opportunities into daily lessons. Having students develop questions in groups is a far more neutralized way of encouraging deeper critical engagement with concepts than competing for “correct” answers. Removing opportunities for judgment from classmates always helps boys feel more safe and connected and, in turn, more engaged.
Refrain from minimizing and judging boys’ emotions. Common admonitions such as “This really isn’t a big deal,” “Calm down,” or “Stop getting so worked up” not only shame, they perpetuate the message to boys that they should repress emotions if they are going to be validated. This adds bricks to their wall.
Find ways to help boys create what I call “emotional safety nets.” Many boys do want to talk, to be known and supported. During my work at a college in Kentucky, many young men said they “crave safe spaces where we can open up and support each other,” but as a high school senior recently told me, “Guys are more likely to seek out a friend than an adult.” Creating safe spaces for boys and young men doesn’t just help them feel more connected to each other. It helps them feel more connected, more committed, to learning and to their schools.
I witnessed this firsthand when a young man in danger of failing his senior year of high school told a group of male peers in a support group, “I keep coming to school each day because of you guys. Ya’ll make me want to try harder.”
The answer to many boys’ academic struggles lies in our ability to help them take down their walls, brick by brick, and feel more connected.
Andrew Reiner teaches at Towson University in the U.S., is author of the book Better Boys, Better Men: The New Masculinity That Creates Greater Courage and Emotional Resiliency and the upcoming book Boys Re-Connected: The Growing Epidemic of Alienation and How To Stop It (Johns Hopkins University Press).
