By Jeff Fitton
Who knew it would take two hostage negotiators to help my students extend their curfews, resolve arguments with their parents, and ultimately build better relationships?
When the RCMP Crisis Negotiation Unit visited my high school law class, I expected some interesting guest speakers. What I didn’t expect was just how profoundly they would change the way my students communicated.
A Communication Masterclass
It all started when the students asked if we could invite a hostage negotiator to our Law 12 class.
At the beginning of every unit of study, I set up a “wonder wall” where I ask students to write on a sticky note what they want to learn, what guest speakers they would like, what field trips/movies/resources they want. Then I build the unit around these suggestions.
Each year I get the most amazing ideas and requests, which make the course relevant to my students’ interests. In the past we have taken tours of prisons, eaten inmate meals, and had judges, sheriffs, or coroners come to speak. It has made for some lively learning experiences, to say the least, and I’m always so delighted by how the community is willing to support my law classes.
Last year, for our Policing unit, I received an interesting suggestion for a guest speaker I’d never had before: a hostage negotiator. I immediately jumped on the idea, eager to see what my students could learn from someone in this role.
A quick call to our local detachment revealed that our town is home to two of the longest-serving members of the RCMP’s elite Crisis Negotiation Unit: Staff Sergeant Bob Vatamaniuk and Sergeant Paul Betham. Both of them were happy to come in and speak with my students.
Teaching Teenagers to De-Escalate at Home
The duo were a compelling masterclass in how to communicate—it was as if the pages of Robert Cialdini’s seminal book Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion were brought to life right in front of the class’s eyes.
The two seasoned professionals made FBI-level crisis negotiation skills accessible not only to teenagers, but to myself as well. Their insights weren’t just about de-escalation in high-stakes situations, they were about the kind of communication we could all stand to use more often: communication that is honest, empathetic, and emotionally intelligent.
Paul started with a simple question: “How many of you have argued with your parents recently?”
Every hand shot up. Some students raised both. An avalanche of laughter as the class noticed my hand enthusiastically elevated.
Paul smiled knowingly and launched into a parody of the classic parent-child conflict in his smooth deadpan voice: “Your room is a pigsty! Your clothes are everywhere! Did you even listen when I asked you to clean it up?!”
The students laughed and nodded, recalling similar conversations with their own parents.
Paul mapped out what usually happens next. Voices rise. Tempers flare. People stop listening and emotions take over. Then, he presented an alternative scenario.
He encouraged students to respond with a calm, even voice.
Chris Voss, the FBI’s top hostage negotiator, refers to this as the “late-night radio DJ voice” in his book Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as If Your Life Depended on It. (The book is a great resource for additional hostage negotiation tips, a number of which can also apply to our relationships with students, family members, and colleagues.)
With smooth cadence, Paul replayed the typical teenage drama as a crisis negotiator: “Hey Mom, I can tell you’re frustrated. You asked me to clean my room, and I didn’t. If I were you, I’d be just as upset.” He delivered the statement with calm and poise—clearly someone who has had to deal with tense situations in a professional and emotionally co-regulating manner.
The simple act of labeling emotions, validating the other person’s experience, and staying emotionally regulated—this is the core of crisis negotiation strategy. But these strategies are also available to students, teachers, and everyone in between.
Negotiation Magic
During the visit, not a single phone was out. There were no yawns or hushed whispers. Just teenagers, rapt with attention.
And it worked. Oh, did it work! I had a flood of excited teenagers spill into class the next day and throughout the rest of the week.
One student burst into my classroom, breathless after running up a full flight of stairs.
“Mr. Fitton! I got my curfew extended!”
He explained how he used Bob and Paul’s techniques. He had been calm. He had validated his mom’s fears. He had paraphrased her concerns. Then he just…listened. No arguing. No pushing. He kept silent. Eventually, his mom started a dialogue with herself. She made the case for him, and while he nodded neutrally, she extended his curfew!
(Another tip: most high-stakes negotiation involves being a good listener.)
It was negotiation magic. Paul and Bob usually negotiate armed standoffs or save the lives of those literally—and figuratively—on the ledge. While those heroics are celebrated on the news, the two were celebrities in my class for helping students establish open dialogue with their parents and make breakthroughs toward becoming more autonomous.
Teenagers crave—absolutely crave—to be seen, heard, understood, and valued. But what are the actual steps that can be taken to overcome years of parent-child relationship issues in order to achieve this?
As it turns out, all that’s needed is the magic of crisis negotiation, along with an easy-to-remember acronym.
MOREPIES Listening Framework, the Delicious Acronym That Will Help You Negotiate
Paul and Bob broke down their approach into a simple framework my students could remember: MOREPIES. Adapted from RCMP crisis negotiation principles, it can be used in classrooms, homes, and everywhere people get heated.
Minimal Encouragers: Use short phrases (“I see,” “Uh huh,” etc.) or verbal cues such as nodding to show you’re listening without interrupting. Make sure you are present. This means no phones or other distractions.
Open-Ended Questions: Channel your inner Ted Lasso by being curious. Try questions like “Can you tell me more about that?” or “What’s going on for you right now?”
Reflective Listening: Repeat the last few words or paraphrase to show you’re actually listening and following the conversation (e.g. “So it sounds like…” or “You’re saying you felt…”).
Emotional Labeling: Help others feel understood by naming what they might be feeling. This is a key pillar of emotional intelligence. (For example, “You seem frustrated” or “That must have been disappointing.”) Although many of us can name a dozen or so emotions, Brené Brown wrote a book outlining 87! But if you get it wrong, don’t worry, the person will likely correct you.
Paraphrasing: Rephrase what they’ve said in your own words. Remember not to seem formulaic or like you are trying to follow a script. (This one is tricky. I will often come right out and say to the person that I want them to know I’m listening, so I’m going to try and repeat back to them in my words.) Try beginning with a phrase like, “If I understand you right, you’re saying…” If you get a “That’s right” in response, then you’ve succeeded!
I Statements: Share your experience, but avoid blaming during conflict. (For example, “When you ______, I feel ______, because ______.”)
Emotional Validation: Acknowledge the other person’s experience. (“Anyone would feel that way.” “It makes sense to feel angry.” “I would be upset in the same situation.”)
Summarizing: At the end of a hard or deep conversation, it’s important to check that you’ve correctly interpreted what the other person has been saying. (“Can I try summarizing what you’ve said?” “Tell me if I’m getting this wrong…”)
Bonus points if you use the “late-night radio DJ voice” throughout the conversation. Calm is contagious and emotional co-regulation can be one key to unlocking a stressful interaction.
The strategies Paul and Bob shared weren’t just effective, they were transformative. From the highest echelons of the RCMP training academy, my students learned how to take actionable steps to be better friends, students, teammates, and listeners. What a great reminder to teachers to invite the broader community into our classrooms!
And to think, this all started with a high school class that wanted to meet a hostage negotiator. In the end, they met two, and were left with skills that will help them truly thrive through a steady diet of MOREPIES. A meal available to all of us.
Jeff Fitton is a father, husband, first responder, and community builder who blends real-world experiences from the fire hall and the justice system to help young people thrive with resilience, curiosity, and purpose. His classroom is a learning lab where students explore how service, experiential learning, and challenges shape well-being.
